Alice Kleinsman and Duncan Hill:
Compassionate Communication Mediators
Often we find ourselves in some sort of conflict, whether internally or with those we love or work. This might be with family, close friends, colleagues, or strangers - it’s a part of being human. At these times we experience feelings of anger, tension, resentment, guilt - to name just a few. We have a deep desire for connection and peace that isn’t being met.
In our efforts to resolve the conflict, we frequently we use the same alienating communication which led to difficulties; we try to demand our solutions be accepted, or we use alienating language such as judgements or demands, and we interpret what we hear or search for who is right. Perhaps we even withdraw in an effort to cope and work things out.
So something needs to change in our way of communicating.
Mediation may help
At the core of our work is the premise that by really listening to, understanding, and thus connecting with the other person’s needs, you are more likely to be heard yourself. There will be more connection, and out of that connection will arise collaboration that results in mutually satisfying outcomes.
What is Compassionate Communication mediation?
It’s a process of connection whereby both parties are coached in new ways to listen to and speak of the underlying needs from which negative (and positive!) feelings are generated. This style of mediation is empathetic, based on the mutual benefit of both parties in listening to each other, and speaking, in such a way so as to be heard. We help you to discover the things in each other which make life wonderful. We coach each party in a kind of ‘dual’ mediation process, whereby we work with each person/group to say the words you want to express in a way that the other can hear, and to listen in a way that is life affirming and empathetic. Any solutions will arise once this important groundwork has been done.
Our work evolved from Compassionate Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), a communication framework created by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg that is based on the notion that all humans share the same basic values, and that each of our actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these values or needs.
What it’s not
A ‘technique’ for getting what you want.
Siding with a winner.
Looking for who is right and who is wrong.
Blaming someone or something.
Trying to get the other party (person) to meet our needs.
Getting solutions from the outset.
Duncan has a wide background in teaching, building, art making, writing, mediation and men’s group work. For the past 4 years he has been facilitating a group for men who want to become better fathers. Duncan is also involved with Rites of Passage for young men.
With his partner Alice they have trained in Compassionate Communication NVC and mediation with Auckland based trainers Wayne Prince and Deb Hipperson.
Duncan likes to help others connect with themselves, others and the world as an artist, builder, poet, teacher and ‘community transformation technician’-someone who supports deep change in society at many levels. Duncan brings intuition, insight, wisdom and humour to his practice as a mediator. He and his partner Alice have three children and live on a small farm in Foxton. They practice mindful living at a slow pace of life as best they can.
“I have been a 'practitioner' (still practicing!) of this style of language for many years. I can wholeheartedly attest to its effectiveness and power in many situations I find myself in, from the ups and downs of my relationship and family life to facilitating men's groups, mediation and teaching. Even more than that, communicating compassionately is about connecting more deeply to what is real and alive in each person, including myself. If you value the relationships you have, whether at home, at work or with friends, and want to communicate better, then this is a great tool”.
Ko Taranaki toku maunga
Ko Waitara toku awa
Ko Zuide Kruis te waka
Na Nederland oku iwi
Ko Alice Kleinsman toku ingoa
Alice completed a BSc in biochemistry, maths, and psychology; and then trained as a teacher. She has taught in many different places in the world, and really values the different perspective each culture she has been a part of contributes to a world of colour and richness.
Since then, Alice has become a qualified and registered counsellor, and has trained in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Nonviolent Communication, as well as in adult education and life coaching. She has become well known for her healing work with families, and is enjoying how the training she has undergone in mediation is adding an extra dimension of healing to her work with families. Alice developed Heart Centered Mothering, which incorporates the principles of NVC and NLP
“NVC has been one of the most pivotal things I have learnt in my life, supporting me in improving my communication and bringing integrity and authenticity into the fore of my life. Practising NVC (and yes it is an ongoing process) is helping me to be more like the mother/partner/sibling/friend that I want to be. Through NVC I have been able to bring more of myself to my primary relationships, and experience more richness in my life. I am very grateful for the mentoring I have received from trainers Wayne Prince and Deb Hipperson, and to Marshall Rosenberg for his contribution in bringing this work to the world
I am energetic and enthusiastic about supporting everybody in having the opportunity to live to their greatest potential, in ways that take into consideration each person’s individual gifts. The skills I have built up over the years combine to give me a compassionate approach to helping others, with a focus on personal growth and transformation, self-awareness, and action. I am not a teacher of NVC as such, but a practitioner, practising myself as I walk alongside others supporting them in their journey”.
Tena koutou, tena koutou, tena koutou katoa
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